he FBI, CIA, and LAPD participate in a contest to see who is the best at catching criminals. They each have an identical patch of forest and have to catch a rabbit.
The FBI cuts every tree in their patch of forest, but no rabbit.
The CIA installs listening devices and interrogates the plants and animals but they can't find a rabbit either.
The LAPD send a team into the forest. An hour later, they return dragging a bear, who screams "Okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Entry #176 - 2 Brothers
2 brothers celebrate Christmas with theri parents. The older one gets everything he wished for and even more. He gets a Playstation 3, a new car, a new bike, a new computer etc...
The younger one only gets a card with 50 dollars saying: Marry Christman , your Parents.
As a reaction the older one goes to his brother and says:
"Its pretty obvious who is the most loved child of us", and laughs.
The younger one answers with the question:
"Did they tell you that you have cancer?"
The younger one only gets a card with 50 dollars saying: Marry Christman , your Parents.
As a reaction the older one goes to his brother and says:
"Its pretty obvious who is the most loved child of us", and laughs.
The younger one answers with the question:
"Did they tell you that you have cancer?"
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Entry #175 - The Hunter & The Farmer
A man goes hunting and shoots a duck, but it lands in the farmers field. After a hefty argument between the hunter and the farmer, the farmer says. "We'll play a game of hick-hick. We kick each other in the crotch once, and whoever screams the most loses. "The Hunter agrees. After being dealt a hefty blow to the balls, the hunter is on the ground for 20 minutes. When he finally recovers he tells the farmer "Your turn." to which the farmer responds, "Nah, you can keep the duck."
Entry #174 - The Red Indians
The Red Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the way of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks. "Looks like it," is the answer. So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be VERY cold?" "Absolutely," is the response. The chief then tells his people to gather even MORE firewood, then calls the Weather service again: "Can you be sure?" he asks. "Im telling you, its going to be the COLDEST winter on record." "How do you know?" the chief asks. The man responds: "Because the Red Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Entry #173 - Stupid Girl
I knew a girl that was so stupid that.......
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrated. "
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Man she's STUPID!!!!!!!!
she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrated. "
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she tried to drown a fish.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
she tripped over a cordless phone.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
she studied for a blood test.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Man she's STUPID!!!!!!!!
Friday, September 10, 2010
Entry #172 - "I know the whole truth... "
At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."
Friday, September 3, 2010
Entry #171 - Untitled
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Entry #170 - Untitled
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Entry #169 - Aids!
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Entry #168 - Untitled
A man breaks into a bank at night. He cracks open a safe and find a small piece of jelly inside. "Damn, how come they put jelly in here" . He opens the next safe and find another piece of jelly. Since the last one is pretty good, he eats it without thinking. He opens the third safe and still find no money but a piece of jelly. "Why jelly, this must be a joke!". He eats the jelly in furry and opens all of the reachable safe. But there is no money in them, all are jellies. He eats as much jellies as possible. He even takes home some of them. "I must have mistaken with a jelly store"
On the next morning, there is a hot title on the local newspaper: "Sperm bank have all of their sperms stolen".
On the next morning, there is a hot title on the local newspaper: "Sperm bank have all of their sperms stolen".
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Entry #167 - 2 in 1
Little Johnny comes home one day and says, "Mom! Little Mark next door has a penis like a peanut!"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two sperm were swimming around and one sperm said to the other,
"How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
"What do you mean, Johnny? Is it shaped like a peanut?"
"No," says Johnny. "It's salty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two sperm were swimming around and one sperm said to the other,
"How are we supposed to find an egg in all this shit?"
Monday, August 16, 2010
Entry #166 - Untitled
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
Friday, August 13, 2010
Entry #165 - Definitely
The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"
The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?
Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."
"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."
Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."
The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."
Little Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"
The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"
Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely sh*t my pants."
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Entry #164 - Untitled
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed
and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing."
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Entry #163 - Untitled
A few children's books that didn't make the cut:
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
10. Some Kittens Can Fly
11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
13. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Entry #162 - Untitled
A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."
Monday, August 9, 2010
Entry #161 - Farmer Mahon
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.....”
Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start.
He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions.
The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest?
Farmer Mahon replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”
“I can’t print that,” said the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy.”
Again the reporter knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”
Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.....”
Friday, August 6, 2010
Entry #160 - Untitled
A man checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So when he got to his room he figured, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
He grabbed a card on his way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, and long graceful legs all the way up to her rear end . You know the kind. So when he got to his room he figured, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9."
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Entry #159 - Untitled
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"
His friend agrees and goes out to his car.
They climb into the back seat and start going at it.
A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"
The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."
The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."
The guy says, "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."
His friend agrees and goes out to his car.
They climb into the back seat and start going at it.
A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"
The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."
The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."
The guy says, "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Entry #158 - Enthusiasm
One night, looking to have a good time, a man decides to go to a stripper club. While he is sitting enjoying the show, a man seated right behind him screams loudly, “Take it off!”
The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.”
The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.”
The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!”
The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.
Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.
The guy in front turns around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?”
The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.”
The man in front turns around and says, “Can you please quiet down, I’m trying to enjoy the show.”
The man in the back says, “I’m sorry, it’s just my enthusiasm.”
The stripper begins to take off her dress. So the guy in back yells, “Take it off!!!” The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet. The guy in back again says that it was just his enthusiasm. The stripper then proceeds to remove her bra. The guy in back again yells, “Take it off!!!”
The guy in front again turns around and tells him to be quiet again getting the same response from the guy in back.
Then the stripper removes her g-string, and everyone in the club gets on their feet and cheers and yells, all except for the guy in the back.
The guy in front turns around and says, “Where’s your enthusiasm now, pal?”
The guy in back just smiles and says, “All over your back, pal.”
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Entry #157 - Untitled
Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the first man.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"
The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the second man
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."
Monday, August 2, 2010
Entry #156 - In a Court
Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, that little bastard!
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"
Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, that little bastard!
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Entry #155 - Untitled
Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.
“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”
“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”
“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.
“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Entry #154 - Deepest Condolence
Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.
"Why the black panties?" he asked.
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.
"Why the black panties?" he asked.
She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."
He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.
She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"
He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Friday, July 30, 2010
Entry #153 - The Pretzel Hold
A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for The Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said:
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded 'Pretzel Hold'.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked: "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered: "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed: "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts," exclaimed the Russian.
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded 'Pretzel Hold'.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked: "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered: "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."
"So," the trainer exclaimed: "That's what finished him off!"
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts," exclaimed the Russian.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Entry #152 - Untitled
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Entry #151 - Assertiveness Training
A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The undertaker,” she replied.
When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The undertaker,” she replied.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Entry #150 - Untitled
A bunch of guys are conscripted into the army because there is a war on. They are all lined up on their first day and the drill sergeant comes out. He tells them that the budget is a little tight for guns, so they'll have to use broomsticks instead. But the good news is that after their training they'll be as effective as real guns.
So the drill sergeant gives everyone a broomstick and tells them he's going to teach them how to shoot. He tells them all to aim their broomsticks at a target and yell "bangety bang!" They are a bit hesitant at first, but the drill sergeant looks like he means business, so they practice it anyways, and eventually become quite good at it.
He then says that if the enemy comes in close they'll need to try something different. The budget is too tight for bayonets, so they'll just have to use the broomsticks. This time, however, he instructs them to yell "stabbety stab!" Again, the soldiers think this is ridiculous, but practice it to avoid the wrath of their drill sergeant.
Eventually their training is over, and the drill sergeant informs them that they are to be sent off to the front lines. When they arrive, they are shocked and relieved to realize that the enemy soldiers are also carrying broomsticks.
The next morning, a battle breaks out. Feeling stupid, they raise their broomsticks, point them at the charging enemy, and shout "BANGETY BANG!" The enemy soldiers start to fall over, shot dead. A raging skirmish ensues, cries of "bangety bang!" sweeping across the field. As the two lines become close, shouts of "stabbety stab!" are heard over the ruckus, along the moans and groans of soldiers as they are stabbed to death.
Eventually, only one man on each side is left standing, quite a distance away from each other.
The first soldier raises his broomstick, aims it carefully at his enemy, and shouts "bangety bang!"
But the enemy soldier stays standing. Suddenly, with a incredible turn of speed, the enemy soldier starts jogging, moving inexorably towards his target. Again, the man aims and shouts "bangety bang!", but again it seems to have no effect. He starts to panic, screaming "bangety bang! Bangety bang!" His enemy is still charging at him, almost close enough to touch. He shouts "stabety stab! Stabety stab!" but the soldier knocks him over with the force of an elephant. But just before he gets crushed, he hears the soldier muttering to himself "tankety tank, tankety tank."
So the drill sergeant gives everyone a broomstick and tells them he's going to teach them how to shoot. He tells them all to aim their broomsticks at a target and yell "bangety bang!" They are a bit hesitant at first, but the drill sergeant looks like he means business, so they practice it anyways, and eventually become quite good at it.
He then says that if the enemy comes in close they'll need to try something different. The budget is too tight for bayonets, so they'll just have to use the broomsticks. This time, however, he instructs them to yell "stabbety stab!" Again, the soldiers think this is ridiculous, but practice it to avoid the wrath of their drill sergeant.
Eventually their training is over, and the drill sergeant informs them that they are to be sent off to the front lines. When they arrive, they are shocked and relieved to realize that the enemy soldiers are also carrying broomsticks.
The next morning, a battle breaks out. Feeling stupid, they raise their broomsticks, point them at the charging enemy, and shout "BANGETY BANG!" The enemy soldiers start to fall over, shot dead. A raging skirmish ensues, cries of "bangety bang!" sweeping across the field. As the two lines become close, shouts of "stabbety stab!" are heard over the ruckus, along the moans and groans of soldiers as they are stabbed to death.
Eventually, only one man on each side is left standing, quite a distance away from each other.
The first soldier raises his broomstick, aims it carefully at his enemy, and shouts "bangety bang!"
But the enemy soldier stays standing. Suddenly, with a incredible turn of speed, the enemy soldier starts jogging, moving inexorably towards his target. Again, the man aims and shouts "bangety bang!", but again it seems to have no effect. He starts to panic, screaming "bangety bang! Bangety bang!" His enemy is still charging at him, almost close enough to touch. He shouts "stabety stab! Stabety stab!" but the soldier knocks him over with the force of an elephant. But just before he gets crushed, he hears the soldier muttering to himself "tankety tank, tankety tank."
Monday, July 26, 2010
Entry #149 - Police
A police man comes home 20 minutes earlier and catches his wife naked in bed. He got pissed, and starts to look for a man. He looks at bathroom, not there, he looks at kitchen, not there, he looks in closets, not there, he looks in child room, not there, he looks under his bed, a naked man gives him 100$. . . not there either!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Entry #148 - Untitled
A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Alaska!"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."
So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No"
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Alaska!"
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Entry #147 - 3 Old Men
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
Friday, July 23, 2010
Entry #146 - Rodeo Position
A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to another guy. They soon get into a deep discussion about their sex lives and after a few the cowboy asks the other dude, "Have you ever heard of the Rodeo Position?" The other man said he hadn't so the cowboy continued in saying "Well, you mount your wife from behind, cup her breasts firmly, and say, Hey, these are almost as good as your sister's. See if you can stay on for 8 seconds."
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Entry #145 - OMG
Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".
She says: "What are you thinking now?"
"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Entry #144 - The Cowboy
A Cowboy goes to a swanky club wearing a new pair of cowboy boots. He stops outside to admire his reflection in his new boots. It's not long before he's dancing with a pretty young girl. He puts his left boot down between her feet and catches a peek at her underwear.
The cowboy tells her that he can read minds and proceeds to tell her what sort underwear she's wearing and what colour they are.
The girl tells her friends and the story spreads around the club. This happens again with the next few girls the cowboy dances with.
One girl decides she'll be clever and takes off her underwear before she dances with the cowboy. She manages to work her way across the dance floor to the "mind-reader" cowboy.
The cowboy puts his right boot under her and says :"F*ckit! I paid $500 for these boots and now there's a crack on this one!"
The cowboy tells her that he can read minds and proceeds to tell her what sort underwear she's wearing and what colour they are.
The girl tells her friends and the story spreads around the club. This happens again with the next few girls the cowboy dances with.
One girl decides she'll be clever and takes off her underwear before she dances with the cowboy. She manages to work her way across the dance floor to the "mind-reader" cowboy.
The cowboy puts his right boot under her and says :"F*ckit! I paid $500 for these boots and now there's a crack on this one!"
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Entry #143 - Nicholas
A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vacation, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Nicholas - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Nicholas and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Nicholas snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”
The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Nicholas! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Nicholas into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”
Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Nicholas - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy to bunk with Nicholas and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Nicholas snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”
The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Nicholas! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.
They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Nicholas into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”
Monday, July 19, 2010
Entry #142 - LOL
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Entry #141 - "Test-Tickles"
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Entry #140 - Mary
An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"
Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Johnny stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Johnny," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"
Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Johnny stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Johnny," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
Friday, July 16, 2010
Entry #139 - The Blonde & The Redhead
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"
The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Entry #138 - Untitled
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Entry #137 - Rose
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one ," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one ," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Entry #136 - Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
.
.
.
.
.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied,
.
.
.
.
.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Monday, July 12, 2010
Entry #135 - Aunt Karen
A teacher gave her primary 5 class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!!“
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Oh, there was little Johnny with his hand up.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a flight engineer in desert storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets,
then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“God heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Don’t mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking..."
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”
“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!!“
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Oh, there was little Johnny with his hand up.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a flight engineer in desert storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets,
then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“God heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”
“Don’t mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking..."
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Entry #134 - Voodoo Dick
A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I want something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"
He replied "Yes, I do".
Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I want something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.
The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.
This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.
The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".
The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."
The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.
The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"
All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.
A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.
The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!
The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!
And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.
Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"
The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."
He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.
The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.
The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.
She is too busy biting her lips to respond.
Three hours pass.
Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.
She panics.
She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!
With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.
12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.
Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.
The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.
He bursts out laughing.
"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Entry #133 - Untitled
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO **** DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(******! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO **** DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(******! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Entry #132 - Hearing Problem
A man goes to his doctor and says,
“I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies,
“Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says,
“What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf b@stard”
“I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”
The doctor replies,
“Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says,
“What’s for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says,
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf b@stard”
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Entry #131 - Impossible to Please
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Entry #130 - Untitled
There are three guys who have died.
They are outside the gate of Heaven. Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can’t let everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst and most tragic death would get in.
The first guy starts, “I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I’d been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped on his fingers, that didn’t work I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself.”
The second guys says, “Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony.
This happened to me. However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell.
I landed in a bush just in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died.”
“OK.” says the third man, “Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy’s wife. The guy comes home…you hide in the refrigerator…”
They are outside the gate of Heaven. Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can’t let everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst and most tragic death would get in.
The first guy starts, “I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I’d been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped on his fingers, that didn’t work I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself.”
The second guys says, “Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony.
This happened to me. However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell.
I landed in a bush just in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died.”
“OK.” says the third man, “Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy’s wife. The guy comes home…you hide in the refrigerator…”
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Entry #129 - Untitled
MATHS TEACHER: 'Figures can't lie. For instance, if one man can build a house in 12 days, 12 men can build it in one day.'
PUZZLED PUPIL: 'Then 288 men can build it in one hour, 17,280 in one minute, and 1,036,809 in one second. And if one ship can cross the Atlantic in six days, six ships can cross it in one day. Yes Sir, figures sure can't lie!
PUZZLED PUPIL: 'Then 288 men can build it in one hour, 17,280 in one minute, and 1,036,809 in one second. And if one ship can cross the Atlantic in six days, six ships can cross it in one day. Yes Sir, figures sure can't lie!
Monday, July 5, 2010
Entry #128 - A not-so-long joke
Once there was two animals, the elephant and the camel.
One day, elephant ask the camel: "Why your ASS grow on your back?"
Then the camel felt insulted and replied: "Then why did your LanJiao grow on your face?
One day, elephant ask the camel: "Why your ASS grow on your back?"
Then the camel felt insulted and replied: "Then why did your LanJiao grow on your face?
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Entry #127 - A Love Poem?
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love for you is like a rose
One that's dead and never grows
Those words I spoke were true and grand
But "I love U2"? I meant the BAND
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
You are my sun, my moon, my star
I wish to see you... from afar
To tell you what you mean to me
Would get me bleeped on live TV
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
****, I'm good at telling lies!
My love for you will never die
Unless I meet another guy
If I were a dog and you were a flower
I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love for you is like a rose
One that's dead and never grows
Those words I spoke were true and grand
But "I love U2"? I meant the BAND
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
You are my sun, my moon, my star
I wish to see you... from afar
To tell you what you mean to me
Would get me bleeped on live TV
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
****, I'm good at telling lies!
My love for you will never die
Unless I meet another guy
If I were a dog and you were a flower
I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Entry #126 - Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies
1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.
2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.
5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.
6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem! My God! Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!
7. They fall on the ground and roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothing.
8. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.
3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.
4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.
5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.
6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem! My God! Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!
7. They fall on the ground and roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothing.
8. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Entry #125 - Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies
1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young and the hero will become an orphan.
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and being declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots)
2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and being declared dead.
3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.
4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.
5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.
6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.
7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots)
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Entry #124 - The Smart Lawyer
There was once an English lawyer, who was proud and considered himself to be extremely smart. One fine day, he was on a plane and found that a Chinese man was to be seated beside him. Being extremely sure that he is much smarter than the Chinese man, the English lawyer decides to play a game with him. He pricks the Chinese man awake and asked, "Hey, lets play a game. We both ask one another questions, if you are unable to give the correct answer, you must pay me $5. If I am unable to answer your question, I shall pay you $500." Wanting to go back to sleep, the Chinese man readily agreed.
"What charges will a man face when he is found to be proven guilty of ... ... ," asked the lawyer.
He was sure that the Chinese man will be unable to answer him and smirked when the Chinese man reluctantly took out $5 and gave it to him. Hoping to make more fun of him, the English lawyer pressured the Chinese man to ask him a question as well.
"What goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?" asked the Chinese man, and he went back to sleep. Stunned by the question, the lawyer desperately search his books, on his laptop and searched online, asked his friends, but to no avail. 5 hours later, he reluctantly woke the Chinese man and pass him $500.
Before the Chinese man could sleep, the lawyer asked eagerly, "So tell me, what goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?
With that, the Chinese man took $5 from the bundle of notes he received, puts it in the lawyer's hand, and went back to sleep.
"What charges will a man face when he is found to be proven guilty of ... ... ," asked the lawyer.
He was sure that the Chinese man will be unable to answer him and smirked when the Chinese man reluctantly took out $5 and gave it to him. Hoping to make more fun of him, the English lawyer pressured the Chinese man to ask him a question as well.
"What goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?" asked the Chinese man, and he went back to sleep. Stunned by the question, the lawyer desperately search his books, on his laptop and searched online, asked his friends, but to no avail. 5 hours later, he reluctantly woke the Chinese man and pass him $500.
Before the Chinese man could sleep, the lawyer asked eagerly, "So tell me, what goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?
With that, the Chinese man took $5 from the bundle of notes he received, puts it in the lawyer's hand, and went back to sleep.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Entry #123 - 4 Babies
One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"
However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.
However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"
At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Entry #122 - Untitled
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, DeNephew.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Entry #121 - The ONE
I have one
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
Whats the answer?
Your surname, what else!
But I like your thinking
You have one
Your mother uses your father's one
And your auntie uses your uncle's one
A married lady would acquire one
But a divorced lady would lose her one
Arnold Schwarzenneger has a longer one
Michael J. Fox has a shorter one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Chinese usually have short ones
While the Indian usually have long ones
Do you have one?
How long is your one?
Which one is your preferred one?
Whats the answer?
Your surname, what else!
But I like your thinking
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Entry #120 - Untitled
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, just relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the Manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."
Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, just relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the Manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Entry #119 - Untitled
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Naughty, Naughty!
Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?
Friday, June 25, 2010
Entry #118 - Untitled
US Naval Communications
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Entry #117 - 1 to 10, 10 to 1
Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2 ,3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with...
1 day I go
2 climb up a
3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and
4 down. The man rush out and wanted to
5 with me. I run until I fall
6 and throw up. So I go into
7 eleven and grab some
8 to throw at him. Then I took a
9 and try to stab him.
10 God he run away. So, I put the
9 back and pay for the
8 and left
7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am
6. He said
5, tomorrow also no need to come back
4 work. He also asks me to climb a
3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice
2 him but I don't know what he
1.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.
This is what he came up with...
1 day I go
2 climb up a
3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and
4 down. The man rush out and wanted to
5 with me. I run until I fall
6 and throw up. So I go into
7 eleven and grab some
8 to throw at him. Then I took a
9 and try to stab him.
10 God he run away. So, I put the
9 back and pay for the
8 and left
7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am
6. He said
5, tomorrow also no need to come back
4 work. He also asks me to climb a
3 and jump down. I don't understand, I so nice
2 him but I don't know what he
1.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Entry #116 - Untitled
The wife is busy frying eggs, when her husband comes home. He walks into the kitchen and immediately starts yelling:
"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies:
"This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"
The wife is very upset: "What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replies:
"This is to show you what it feels like, when I am driving and you sit next to me..."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Entry #115 - Untitled
A Texan arrives at a New York Hotel, checks in and tells the desk clerk to send up a bottle of good whiskey and a woman to his room.
In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands a lady in aSalvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in.
She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe.
When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
She replies, "We're strictly for the needy, not for the greedy".
In a short while, someone knocks on his door. When he opens it, there stands a lady in aSalvation Army uniform. He looks surprised but invites her in.
She says, "You asked for a lady, didn't you?"
He says, "Well, Yes", so she begins to disrobe.
When she is almost undressed, she stops suddenly and says, "By the way, are you married or single?"
He says, "I'm married" so she starts to put all her clothes back on.
"What the Hell?", the Texan asks.
She replies, "We're strictly for the needy, not for the greedy".
Monday, June 21, 2010
Entry #114 - Untitled
A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him. The white man said, "Coloured people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me
coloured!!!"
The black man then sat back down and
the white
man walked away...
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said:
"When I was born I was black,"
"When I grew up I was black,"
"When I'm sick I'm black,"
"When I go in the sun I'm black,"
"When I'm cold I'm black,"
"When I die I'll be black."
"But you sir..."
"When you're born you're pink,"
"When you grow up you're white,"
"When you're sick, you're green,"
"When you go in the sun you turn red,"
"When you're cold you turn blue,"
"And when you die you turn purple."
"And you have the nerve to call me
coloured!!!"
The black man then sat back down and
the white
man walked away...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Entry #113 - Untitled
Man at the Doctor's
Doc: I have two bad news for you
Man: Bring it on
Doc: First, you have cancer
Man: Oh my god
Doc: ...and the Alzheimer's disease.
Man: Oh shit......but at least not cancer
Doc: I have two bad news for you
Man: Bring it on
Doc: First, you have cancer
Man: Oh my god
Doc: ...and the Alzheimer's disease.
Man: Oh shit......but at least not cancer
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Entry #112 - Little Johnny
Little Johnny kept getting into trouble for disrupting his third grade class, seems he was regularly busting out obnoxiously loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of desperation, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
His teacher kept him after school to have a talk with him and, maybe, resolve the problem. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m proud of it.” The teacher, in a moment of desperation, says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper.
Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked underneath her skirt.
“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly,”you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”
Friday, June 18, 2010
Entry #111 - Untitled
One day bobby and grandpa went fishing for the day.
While out in the lake, grandpa pulls out a smoke.
Bobby asks "Grandpa can I take a puff?"
Grandpa replies with "Well bobby can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Bobby then shakes his head "No grandpa I can't."
Then your too young yet bobby says grandpa.
Later Grandpa pulls out a beer, Bobby asks for a sip of it and grandpa asks again the same question and sadly Bobby had the same answer.
On the way home grandpa stops and buys scratch and wins (Tickets you can scratch for a chance to win money).
Grandpa scratches his and turns out he wins nothing, he turns over to Bobby
"So Bobby, did ya win anything?"
After a few minutes of silence Bobby yells OH WOW!! I JUST WON TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!! WOO HOO.
Then Grandpa asks, "Hah! Bobby you DO plan to share that with your Grandpa right?!"
Bobby turns to his grandpa "Well Grandpa, that depends. Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Grandpa scoffs "Well yes! Of course."
Bobby thinks then yells. "THEN I SUGGEST, YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF OLD MAN".
While out in the lake, grandpa pulls out a smoke.
Bobby asks "Grandpa can I take a puff?"
Grandpa replies with "Well bobby can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Bobby then shakes his head "No grandpa I can't."
Then your too young yet bobby says grandpa.
Later Grandpa pulls out a beer, Bobby asks for a sip of it and grandpa asks again the same question and sadly Bobby had the same answer.
On the way home grandpa stops and buys scratch and wins (Tickets you can scratch for a chance to win money).
Grandpa scratches his and turns out he wins nothing, he turns over to Bobby
"So Bobby, did ya win anything?"
After a few minutes of silence Bobby yells OH WOW!! I JUST WON TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!! WOO HOO.
Then Grandpa asks, "Hah! Bobby you DO plan to share that with your Grandpa right?!"
Bobby turns to his grandpa "Well Grandpa, that depends. Can you touch your asshole with your dick?"
Grandpa scoffs "Well yes! Of course."
Bobby thinks then yells. "THEN I SUGGEST, YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF OLD MAN".
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Entry #110 - Fucker
One day a poor father and his kid were walking home after a long day.
On the way home a guy drives by in a nice vehicle.
The kid asks Dad why does that guy have a car and we don't?
Dad being grouchy says, because hes a f*cker!
They keep walking nearing home a guy walks by with a nice girl, the kid asks again dad how come he has a nice girl and you don't?
Once again dad says, because hes a f*cker.
They finally arrived home and the dad asks so did you learn anything today after being out all day?
The kid replies, All I know is I wanna be a fucker, and I think you're an idiot for not being one.
On the way home a guy drives by in a nice vehicle.
The kid asks Dad why does that guy have a car and we don't?
Dad being grouchy says, because hes a f*cker!
They keep walking nearing home a guy walks by with a nice girl, the kid asks again dad how come he has a nice girl and you don't?
Once again dad says, because hes a f*cker.
They finally arrived home and the dad asks so did you learn anything today after being out all day?
The kid replies, All I know is I wanna be a fucker, and I think you're an idiot for not being one.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Entry #109 - Untitled
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman,
"Give me six double vodka."
The barman says,
"Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said,
"WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
"Give me six double vodka."
The barman says,
"Wow! you must have had one really bad day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back,
"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said,
"WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Entry #108 - Untitled
One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"
The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"
The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."
So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.
The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."
The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"
Monday, June 14, 2010
Entry #107 - Friendship among men and women
Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Entry #106 - Nick, the Dragon Slayer
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Entry #105 - The affair
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."
Friday, June 11, 2010
Entry #104 - SMARTASS ANSWER
SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMARTASS ANSWER #1
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Entry #103 - Untitled
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a very HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty." She says, "Hold on."
She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" Harry says, "A handjob." She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob. He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a very HUGE penis.
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Entry #102 - Untitled
A man and his wife were driving on the highway one night when he got pulled over by the cops for speeding.
The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.
"I never speed," says the man.
The wife chimes in, "Oh yes you do - all the time!"
The man says, "Dammit honey, would shut your damn mouth?"
The cop sees the man wasn't wearing his seat belt and says, "Sir, I'm also going to issue you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
"I was wearing my seat belt sir -I just took it off," says the man.
The wife chimes in again and says, "Officer, he never wears his seat belt."
The husband says "Quit being a bitch and keep your fucking mouth shut."
The cop then asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always speak with such callous vulgarity to you like this?"
"Nah," she says, "Only when he drinks all day."
The cop walks up and informs the man of his unlawful deed.
"I never speed," says the man.
The wife chimes in, "Oh yes you do - all the time!"
The man says, "Dammit honey, would shut your damn mouth?"
The cop sees the man wasn't wearing his seat belt and says, "Sir, I'm also going to issue you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
"I was wearing my seat belt sir -I just took it off," says the man.
The wife chimes in again and says, "Officer, he never wears his seat belt."
The husband says "Quit being a bitch and keep your fucking mouth shut."
The cop then asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always speak with such callous vulgarity to you like this?"
"Nah," she says, "Only when he drinks all day."
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Entry #101 - Man and woman
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and me need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND ME blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and me need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND ME blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Monday, June 7, 2010
Entry #100 - Husband Wanted!
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Entry #99 - Brave woman
A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."
The wife turns to her husband and says: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Entry #98 - Untitled
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
Every time they made love the husband insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . . You explain the 3 kids."
Friday, June 4, 2010
Entry #97 - Dear Santa..
Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
************************************************** ***
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.............. again.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa
************************************************** ***
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one?
Love, Timmy
Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater.............. again.
Santa
************************************************** **
************************************************** **
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Entry #96 - Fishing trip
Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1500?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything.
The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.
It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us $1500?"
The other guy says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Entry #95 - Untitled
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Entry #94 - Love-making
Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman. "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."
"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man."
When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
"Once." he replied.
"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"
"Don't stop."
Monday, May 31, 2010
Entry #93 - Untitled
woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:
"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:
"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Entry #92 - Untitled
A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the Girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks," the Girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Entry #91 - Untitled
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."
Friday, May 28, 2010
Entry #90 - Talking clock!
Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.
"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."
"How does it work?"
The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"
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