Friday, December 10, 2010

Entry #177 - FBI, CIA & LAPD

he FBI, CIA, and LAPD participate in a contest to see who is the best at catching criminals. They each have an identical patch of forest and have to catch a rabbit.

The FBI cuts every tree in their patch of forest, but no rabbit.

The CIA installs listening devices and interrogates the plants and animals but they can't find a rabbit either.

The LAPD send a team into the forest. An hour later, they return dragging a bear, who screams "Okay! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Entry #176 - 2 Brothers

2 brothers celebrate Christmas with theri parents. The older one gets everything he wished for and even more. He gets a Playstation 3, a new car, a new bike, a new computer etc...

The younger one only gets a card with 50 dollars saying: Marry Christman , your Parents.

As a reaction the older one goes to his brother and says:

"Its pretty obvious who is the most loved child of us", and laughs.

The younger one answers with the question:

"Did they tell you that you have cancer?"

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Entry #175 - The Hunter & The Farmer

A man goes hunting and shoots a duck, but it lands in the farmers field. After a hefty argument between the hunter and the farmer, the farmer says. "We'll play a game of hick-hick. We kick each other in the crotch once, and whoever screams the most loses. "The Hunter agrees. After being dealt a hefty blow to the balls, the hunter is on the ground for 20 minutes. When he finally recovers he tells the farmer "Your turn." to which the farmer responds, "Nah, you can keep the duck."

Entry #174 - The Red Indians

The Red Indians ask their new chief whether the winter will be cold or mild. Since the young chief never learned the way of his ancestors, he tells them to collect firewood, then he goes off and calls the National Weather Service. "Will the winter be bad?" he asks. "Looks like it," is the answer. So the chief tells his people to gather more firewood. A week later he calls again. "Are you positive the winter will be VERY cold?" "Absolutely," is the response. The chief then tells his people to gather even MORE firewood, then calls the Weather service again: "Can you be sure?" he asks. "Im telling you, its going to be the COLDEST winter on record." "How do you know?" the chief asks. The man responds: "Because the Red Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Entry #173 - Stupid Girl

I knew a girl that was so stupid that.......

she called me to get my phone number.

she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrated. "

she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

she tried to drown a fish.

she thought a quarterback was a refund.

she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

she tripped over a cordless phone.

she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

she studied for a blood test.

she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home. Man she's STUPID!!!!!!!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Entry #172 - "I know the whole truth... "

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Friday, September 3, 2010

Entry #171 - Untitled

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."