Entry #93 - Untitled

woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Entry #92 - Untitled

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Entry #91 - Untitled

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

Entry #90 - Talking clock!

Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole...it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

Entry #89 - Untitled

The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.

“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“

“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”

“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"

Entry #88 - Potentially and Realistically

A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”

“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”

The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.

Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”

“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”

Entry #87 - Gay

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."

Entry #86 - Don't laugh!

Don't laugh!" said the patient

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.

Now...what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the patient replied.

Entry #85 - The cop

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

Entry #84 - Untitled

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00

He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

Entry #83 - Good friend! :D

Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis!

The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! "There has got to be another way" said the man and the doctor sighed "no I am sorry! "

The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in alot of pain! The man on the floor cried, "what did the doctor say?"

The friend said, "he said you're going to die."

Entry #82 - Untitled

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here!

She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

and.... Dave, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

Entry #81 - Untitled

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

Entry #80 - A little help please?

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

Entry #79 - Maria

Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

Entry #78 - Untitled

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.

The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

Entry #77 - Dear God..

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Entry #76 - What a loving couple!

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? are you crazy??" She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

Entry #75 - The "ballerina"

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.

But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

Entry #74 - The lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Entry #73 - High-powered vacuum cleaner!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."


extra :



1 normal, 1 retarded and 1 gay chicken.

Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!

Entry #72 - Ten dollars is ten dollars

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Entry #71 - Untitled

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My god, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?" She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

Entry #70 - ROARRR!

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I shit in my pants.

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

Entry #69 - The "Nun"

A soldier was running down the road, and came to a fork in the road, where he saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes? I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed. Just a moment later, two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here??"

The nun replied, "He went that way." After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think I'm rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs!" The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls. I don't want to go to Iraq either!"

Entry #68 - A blonde's diary

A blonde's yearly review


January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breaststroke swimming competition...learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

Entry #67 - Untitled

A young couple were driving home one night.

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

Entry #66 - If you firmed this up..

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt, and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this offended her, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra." This, she decided, was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis.

With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Entry #65 - Untitled

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

"I just saw one of your garters!"

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"I just saw both of your garters!"

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

Entry #64 - Untitled

A burglar broke into a house one night. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack and a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light on, and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squeaked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed.

"What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."


p/s: rottweiler is a type of dog.. (no offence)

Entry #63 - The bats

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues hanging out for blood.

"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't"