Entry #62 - Untitled

Paul tries to take his friend for hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find "No Trespassing" signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."

The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property."

Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!

Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!"

Entry #61 - Smart way to escape

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Entry #60 - Untitled

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph..

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

Entry #59 - The STICK

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decided to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking sound of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus... so shut the hell up."

Entry #58 - Short fuse

A recently-attached couple is in bed for the first time together. The girl is really excited, as her boyfriend is incredibly fit. She starts to undress him.

As she pulls of his shirt, she squeals in excitement. "OOoo baby, what are those?"

He strokes his pecs and says: "those, baby, are land mines."

She giggles a little bit, and asks him about his arms.

"That's TNT "

She begins to pull of his pants, and again lets out a squeal. "And baby, how about these?"

She was referring to his legs. "Those, baby, are grenade launchers"

She's clearly hot and bothered now, she's sweating with anticipation. She peels off his underwear, slowly. All of a sudden she SCREAMS and jumps off the bed.

Alarmed, confused, the guy sits up and asks her what's wrong.

She said: "I don't want to be around that many explosives when you have such a short fuse."


extra:


"I came back one day and discovered that my wife had been sleeping with a horse. The stupid horse ran away before I could even see him!"

"OMG! How did you know it was a horse then?"

"Well, I found the jockey under the bed...."

Entry #57 - $800

A woman was taking a shower. When she was just about to finish, she told her husband it was now his turn to use the shower so he went inside the bathroom while she put a bathrobe on. Suddenly the door bell rang. She told her husband she was going to answer it. With just a bathrobe on, she opened the door and saw her neighbour Bob.

Bob immediately tells her, "I will give you $800 if you remove your bathrobe.."

After some thinking, she decides $800 was way too big to pass up, so she removes her bathrobe and exposes herself. After being very delighted, Bob hands her the money and leaves.

She goes back upstairs and tells her husband it was Bob.
"Bob?? That's great!! Did he mention anything about the $800 he owes me??"



extra:


Granddaughter ask her Grandfather:
Grandpa, what will I get if I jerk a dog? Well, sweetheart, you'll get sperm. Hey grandpa, what will I get if I jerk a horse? Well, you'll get sperm again. Oh ok grandpa, but what do I get if I jerk you? Well, again, you'll get sperm . . . And a chocolate!

Entry #56 - Untitled

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute.

“Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.

But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Entry #55 - Untitled

Sherwyn, Mukundan and Kok Jun were in a car late at night driving down the countryside.
The car broke down and they decided to walk to a farm. The farmer welcomed them because he was kinda lonely living alone.


However, the guest room could only fit 2 people, one of them had to sleep in the barnyard.
Kok Jun decided to sleep in the barnyard. 10 minutes later, Sherwyn and Mukundan heard a knock on the door. It was Kok Jun.

"I can't sleep there, there is a pig there"

So Mukundan took his place.


Fifteen minutes later he knocked on the door.

"I can't sleep there, there is a cow around. Cows are sacred".

So Sherwyn decides to sacrifice his comfort in the room and goes to the barnyard to sleep.

5 minutes later a knock is heard on the door - the pig and the cow are standing there...

Entry #54 - Iron it first!

An old woman went to her granddaughter's house. She saw two pairs of shoes belonging to a man and a woman. She became suspicious after finding out the door was unlocked. She went inside and found a man lying down on the sofa, while her granddaughter stood above him naked. She was bewildered at her granddaughters appearance.

"What are you doing?" the old woman asked.

"Err.. um... err.." stuttered her granddaughter.

"Why are you naked?"

"I'm not naked, I'm wearing a 'love suit'!"

"Love suit?"

"Yeah, a love suit."

Then the old woman had the idea of wearing a 'love suit' to show to her husband on their 60th anniversary that day. She rushed back home and stripped down, while seemingly putting on an invisible 'love suit'.

A few hours later, her husband came back home after a game of poker with his friends. He was surprised to find his wife standing naked at the door.

"Why the hell are you naked?" he asked.

"I'm not naked. I'm wearing a 'love suit'!" she replied cheekily.

"Oh, a love suit. Well if you're gonna wear it next time, at least iron it first!"

Entry #53 - Coma

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

Entry #52 - Assassin Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Entry #51 - Untitled

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.
He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index.

Entry #50 - The pirate

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Entry #49 - Gays

There was a semi-truck driver driving past San Francisco and he picked up two gay hitchhikers. Everything was quiet until about 20 minutes in one of the gay guys said,

"Excuse me, I have to fart." The truck driver replied,

"Well roll down the window and let it rip." So they rolled down the windows and the gay guy farted and it was kind of a Woosh noise. Another 35 minutes into the trip the other gay guy said,

"Excuse me, I have to fart toooo." The truck driver replied,

"Well roll down the window again and let it rip." So they rolled down the windows and the other gay guy farted and it was a woosh noise with a whistle in it. About 15 minutes later, the truck driver said,

"Alright girls, now I have to fart." So he rolled down the windows and let it rip. It was the juiciest fart ever. The two gay guys looked at him and said,

"Virgin."

Entry #48 - The gay guy

An old man and women owned a farm. The old man died and the woman couldn't handle the farm by herself so she was going to hire someone to help her. The only job applicants were the
town drunk and a new guy in town, who was gay. So she chose the gay guy; they worked together for a week or so and got the farm back together.

The old woman was pleased with the work the gay guy had done, so she decided to give her hired hand the night off. She said he could let loose and have some fun but he had to be home by midnight. The hired hand then got up and left for the bar. But by the time midnight came around, no hired hand. 12:15 and no hired hand still. The woman was getting impatient. Finally at 1:06 the hired hand came home. The woman was waiting for him in her rocker by the fire. She said to him,

“Take my shoes off,” so he did.

She said, “Take my stockings off,” without taking his eyes off hers he did.

Then she said, “Take my dress off,” and he did.

She said, “Take my bra off,” and with hands shaking but not losing eye contact he did.

Then she said, “Take my panties off,” and he lost eye contact and his hands were shaking so badly it took a while to do but he manage to.

Finally, she said, “Don't you EVER wear my clothes again.”

Entry #47 - Short Jokes

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Entry #46 - Untitled

St. Peter is tired of standing at the pearly gates and giving or denying access to Heaven, so he notices Jesus walking by and asks him to watch the front desk for a bit. Jesus says he'd be happy to.

In a little bit an old man comes up to the desk very slowly. Jesus takes out form 85-A/j and starts getting the information.

"I'm looking for my son." the old man says.

"And who are you?" says Jesus.

"I'm his Father; well ... not really." says the man.

"Where are you from?"

The old man says he was from the Mediterranean Sea area.

"What did you do in life?"

"I was a carpenter," he replies.

Jesus smiles because this is a profession he can relate to.

"Did you have many children?" he asks kindly.

The old man says, "No, just one son, and he was unlike any other child on earth."

Jesus looks closely at the old man and asks, "Did anything unusual occur the night he came to you?"

"Oh yes," the old man says. "There was this incredibly brilliant star in the sky that lit up all the heavens."

"And does your son has holes in his hands and feet?" asks Jesus excitedly.

"He does!" shouts the man.

Jesus puts down the 85-A/j form and holds out his hands, "Father!"

The old man looks at Jesus with a mixture of joy and confusion on his face and asks, "Pinocchio??"

Entry #45 - Superman

One day, Superman was really horny, like able to cut diamonds horny. He was flying around and saw Batman, so he flew down to Batman and asked,

"Hey Batman.. Dude I'm SOOO horny. I don't know what to do. Can you help me?" and Batman replied,

"Well you know, Wonderwoman is the best lay in town, that might help." Superman then said,

"Well, I don't know, she's a co-worker and my friend and it would be awkward after that"
"Suit yourself," said Batman and then Superman flew off.

He was flying around some more looking for help when he came across the Green Lantern and decided to ask him for help,

"Hey Green Lantern, man I'm so horny I don't know what to do! Can you help me out?" and the Green Lantern replied,

"Well, Wonderwoman is the best ass in town, why not tap that?" and Superman replied with,

"No no no, I couldn't do that, she's a really good friend and I don't want to mess that up."

"A'ight, pussy, have it your way," replied the Green Lantern. Superman then flew off.

As he was flying over a wheatfield he saw Wonderwoman naked in the field. He thought to himself that he could go down there and be done before she even knew what happened. So he flew down, did his deed and flew off.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" said Wonderwoman. Then the Invisible Man said,

"I dunno but my ass hurts".

Entry #44 - Too costly...

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?

"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............."

Entry #43 - $500

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I want to have SEX with you right now!"
"I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute.
She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back.

"What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said, "That Son-of-a-Bitch had $500 in quarters."

Entry #42 - Mistaken

Joe and his wife Kelly went out to dinner one night at a fancy restaurant. The night was going well until a fat guy stopped in front of their table. Kelly was obviously embarrassed because her face was turning red and she was trying to avoid looking at the fat guy. Joe then realized that the fat guy must know his wife.

The fat guy said "Hello Kelly, nice to see your back in relationships again." Joe then realized that this must be one of his wife's crazy ex-boyfriends.

"Hows' the sex, is it just as great as I remember it?" the fat guy asked.

Joe, trying to end the conversation, then said "Sir, my wife and I are trying to have a nice meal and we don't need it interrupted by one of her annoying, immature, old boyfriends." The fat guy laughed and said "I'm not her boyfriend, I'm her father."

Entry #41 - Erection problem SOLVED

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, 'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

Entry #40 - The duck and the bartender

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What will you have?"
The duck says, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!"
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.
The next days the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?"
The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!"
With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.
The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?"
The bartender, puzzled, said "No."
The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"


extra:

A husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...

"I don't like it" she says, "I want one that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

So he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says "stand on that you fat fucker!"

Entry #39 - Untitled

Sorry for not being able to post a joke today. So, i'm gonna share a picture with you all. :D enjoy!

Sorry if it's blur.

Entry #38 - Untitled

The Smiths had no children and the infertility clinic decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was scheduled to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "The man should be here soon. I don't want to be here. I'm off".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"No need to explain. I've been expecting you."

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing. "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of the Fifth Avenue bus in New York City."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. "She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean over three hours....?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Entry #37 - Untitled

Man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said, "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

Entry #36 - What the hell are you doing?!

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.

Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

Entry #35 - The blind man

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm
sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it and order from
there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and
picks up a greasy fork. he returns to the blind man's table and hands
it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a
deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her
what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly
brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm
sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The
owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great,
I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Once again walking
away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around
with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in
he's going to test him.The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him
coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork
back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and
waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose,
takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked
here?"

Entry #34 - Big, Fat and Juicy!

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

Entry #33 - The Celibacy Test

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Sherwyn," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Sherwyn leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"Wye Qwen, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

Entry #32 - Lose weight

A heavyset guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only $10 a pound. Call (202) 555-0238" and decides to make the call. The operator asks, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Ten pounds," he replies. "We’ll have a representative over in the morning," says the operator.

About 9 a.m., there’s a knock on the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing, he catches her. After they have sex, he runs to the bathroom and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!

That night he calls the number again and says, "I want to lose 20 pounds." "We’ll send someone over." The next morning, he’s greeted by a gorgeous girl dressed only in track shoes and wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!

That night he calls and says, "I want to lose 50 pounds!" "Fifty pounds?" the operator asks. "That’s an awful lot." The man replies, "Listen, just take care of it!" About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign around its neck that reads “If I catch you…”

Entry #31 - It could have been worse...

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say: ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked: ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said: ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says: ''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said: ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says: ''If it had happened two days ago, I would be dead now!"

Entry #30 - A collection of short jokes

#1

Teacher: What do you want to become?
Little Johnny: Doctor !!
Teacher: Why?
Little Johnny: Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.



#2

I hated it when my old aunties used to poke and prod me on weddings saying , you're next.

However they stopped, when I started doing the same to them at funerals.



#3

There was once a insurance salesman named Bob. He went door to door to sell insurance. His boss was wondering why he had the highest percentage of sales. So he asked Bob, to which he replied, "I jjusst walkk upp to the ddoorr, knnock and say "Wwwould yyou llike to bbuy ssomme inssurance, orr wwwould yyou lllike mme ttto read the ppolicy to yyou?"



#4

There are 50+ blondes and a Brunnette on a plane. After a while the plane starts to break down and all the Blondes and Brunnettes fly out, only to be saved by a thin rope. After the rope starts breaking, they decide one of them must plummet to their death to save the rest.

After a very long, touching, speech made by the Brunette on how she will end her life, the Blondes start clapping...



#5

A man and his wife were relaxing on their couch one Saturday evening. The man asked, "I bet there's nothing you can tell me that will make me simultaneously happy and sad."

The wife thought for a while and replied, "Your dick is larger than your brother's."

Entry #29 - The sugar bowl

Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."