Entry #154 - Deepest Condolence

Karen had lost her husband four years prior and was having trouble moving on. Her daughter repeatedly urged her to return back to the world. Finally, Karen agreed to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter knew just the person for her.

They fell in love and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He was naked.

"Why the black panties?" he asked.

She replied, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning."

He knew he wasn't getting lucky that night. The following night, same scenario. There she stood with the black panties on, only now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Entry #153 - The Pretzel Hold

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for The Olympic Gold Medal. Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and said:

"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel Hold' he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." The Redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and wrapping him up in the dreaded 'Pretzel Hold'.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked: "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered: "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed: "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts," exclaimed the Russian.

Entry #152 - Untitled

A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.

I don't want to know! the child says, bursting into tears. Promise me you won' tell me!"

Confused, the father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, dad, the boy sobs. When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny speech'. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really f*ck, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Entry #151 - Assertiveness Training

A mild-mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he went to a psychiatrist. The doctor told him he had to develop self-esteem and gave him a booklet on assertiveness training, which the man read on his way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him he told her, “From now on I’m the man of this house and my word is law. When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table. Now go upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I’m going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The undertaker,” she replied.

Entry #150 - Untitled

A bunch of guys are conscripted into the army because there is a war on. They are all lined up on their first day and the drill sergeant comes out. He tells them that the budget is a little tight for guns, so they'll have to use broomsticks instead. But the good news is that after their training they'll be as effective as real guns.

So the drill sergeant gives everyone a broomstick and tells them he's going to teach them how to shoot. He tells them all to aim their broomsticks at a target and yell "bangety bang!" They are a bit hesitant at first, but the drill sergeant looks like he means business, so they practice it anyways, and eventually become quite good at it.

He then says that if the enemy comes in close they'll need to try something different. The budget is too tight for bayonets, so they'll just have to use the broomsticks. This time, however, he instructs them to yell "stabbety stab!" Again, the soldiers think this is ridiculous, but practice it to avoid the wrath of their drill sergeant.

Eventually their training is over, and the drill sergeant informs them that they are to be sent off to the front lines. When they arrive, they are shocked and relieved to realize that the enemy soldiers are also carrying broomsticks.

The next morning, a battle breaks out. Feeling stupid, they raise their broomsticks, point them at the charging enemy, and shout "BANGETY BANG!" The enemy soldiers start to fall over, shot dead. A raging skirmish ensues, cries of "bangety bang!" sweeping across the field. As the two lines become close, shouts of "stabbety stab!" are heard over the ruckus, along the moans and groans of soldiers as they are stabbed to death.

Eventually, only one man on each side is left standing, quite a distance away from each other.

The first soldier raises his broomstick, aims it carefully at his enemy, and shouts "bangety bang!"

But the enemy soldier stays standing. Suddenly, with a incredible turn of speed, the enemy soldier starts jogging, moving inexorably towards his target. Again, the man aims and shouts "bangety bang!", but again it seems to have no effect. He starts to panic, screaming "bangety bang! Bangety bang!" His enemy is still charging at him, almost close enough to touch. He shouts "stabety stab! Stabety stab!" but the soldier knocks him over with the force of an elephant. But just before he gets crushed, he hears the soldier muttering to himself "tankety tank, tankety tank."

Entry #149 - Police

A police man comes home 20 minutes earlier and catches his wife naked in bed. He got pissed, and starts to look for a man. He looks at bathroom, not there, he looks at kitchen, not there, he looks in closets, not there, he looks in child room, not there, he looks under his bed, a naked man gives him 100$. . . not there either!

Entry #148 - Untitled

A couple of drinkin' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they drink it, get smashed and have a great time; like only drinkin' buddies can do. The following morning, one of them gets up and is surprised he feels good, in fact, he feels great - NO hangover! The phone rings, it's his buddy.

The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!! You don't have a hangover?" and he says, "No -that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - we ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No"

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Alaska!"

Entry #147 - 3 Old Men

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".

The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."

Entry #146 - Rodeo Position

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to another guy. They soon get into a deep discussion about their sex lives and after a few the cowboy asks the other dude, "Have you ever heard of the Rodeo Position?" The other man said he hadn't so the cowboy continued in saying "Well, you mount your wife from behind, cup her breasts firmly, and say, Hey, these are almost as good as your sister's. See if you can stay on for 8 seconds."

Entry #145 - OMG

Husband and Wife on 10th anniversary. The wife undresses and says: "What did you think when I stripped 10 years ago?"

He says: "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry".

She says: "What are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a pretty good job!"

Entry #144 - The Cowboy

A Cowboy goes to a swanky club wearing a new pair of cowboy boots. He stops outside to admire his reflection in his new boots. It's not long before he's dancing with a pretty young girl. He puts his left boot down between her feet and catches a peek at her underwear.

The cowboy tells her that he can read minds and proceeds to tell her what sort underwear she's wearing and what colour they are.

The girl tells her friends and the story spreads around the club. This happens again with the next few girls the cowboy dances with.

One girl decides she'll be clever and takes off her underwear before she dances with the cowboy. She manages to work her way across the dance floor to the "mind-reader" cowboy.
The cowboy puts his right boot under her and says :"F*ckit! I paid $500 for these boots and now there's a crack on this one!"

Entry #143 - Nicholas

A few overworked deputy sheriffs deserved a vacation, together they decided to go on a mountain retreat. Since police officers are so underpaid, they decided to sleep two per room so they could afford the trip.

Now, nobody wanted to sleep in the same room with Nicholas - he’s got a well known reputation for snoring and since it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time - so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy to bunk with Nicholas and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot, looking like he didn't get any sleep. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Nicholas snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night, couldn’t get any sleep.”

The following night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all messed up, eyes blood-shot, etc. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Nicholas! Shakes the roof he’s so loud. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Now Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. Said he wasn’t gonna put up with any snoring… “We’ll see!” said the other deputies. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning, wonderful day outside isn’t it?” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Nicholas into bed, then kissed him good night. He sat up all night just watching me. Didn’t snore a bit, hehe.”

Entry #142 - LOL

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

Entry #141 - "Test-Tickles"

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Entry #140 - Mary

An 8th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Mary stood up, angrily, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 7 times its normal size when stimulated?"

Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Johnny stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 7 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Johnny," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: (1) You have a dirty mind, (2) You didn't read your homework ; and (3) One day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

Entry #139 - The Blonde & The Redhead

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying her flowers.

The Redhead sighs and says: "Oh crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead replies: "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says: "Don't you have a vase?"

Entry #138 - Untitled

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Entry #137 - Rose

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one ," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Entry #136 - Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts,
which he gratefully munches up.After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied,
.
.
.
.
.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

Entry #135 - Aunt Karen

A teacher gave her primary 5 class an assignment to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.”

“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!!“
“Very good,” said the teacher.

Oh, there was little Johnny with his hand up.
“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a flight engineer in desert storm and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets,
then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and
then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“God heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking..."

Entry #134 - Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, wizened man tending it. He asks, nervously: "Do you work here?"

He replied "Yes, I do".

Still stupified by this mystical old man, the husband stammers...I uh...uh..am looking for something for my wife. My work requires me to travel and I want something that can keep her satisfied so she won't cheat on me.

The old man blinks slowly a few times, then says: "Yes, I believe we have what you're looking for." He pulls out a wooden box, covered in dust. It looks ANCIENT. As he opens the lid, the smell of old wood floods the husband's nostrils.

This here is a Voodoo dick. It has magical powers and I assure you, it would keep any women satisfied.

The husband laughs harder than he has in a long time. "Did you say VOODOO dick? HAHAHAHA I can't believe you're trying to sell me this sh*t".

The old man just looks at him. "Allow me to demonstrate to quash your doubts, I suggest you stand away from the door."

The husband looks behind him, and with a quizzical look on his face, takes three steps away from the door he was leaning against.

The old man speaks. "VOODOO DICK, The door!"

All of a sudden, the gnarled, wooden shaft lying dormant inside the box floats into the air. It levels off with the doorknob, then soars through the air directly at the keyhole.

A thunderous bang bang bang can be heard as the voodoo dick tries violently to enter the hole that is far too small for it. The door starts to shake and hinges rattle.

The man says I'LL TAKE IT!!!!!

The old man then says VOODOO DICK, the box!

And as if on rewind, it slowly glides back into the box, and lay still.

Upon arriving home, his wife asks him what he has in the box. "It's a voodoo dick, honey", he says. The wife starts dying of laughter. "Voodoo dick? hahahahaha you must be joking!!"

The husband gives her a stern look and says: "Listen, I know how lonely you get on those business trips of mine, and this will keep you occupied so I know you'll be faithful."

He then says: "Voodoo dick, her pussy!" The lid of the box bursts open as the dick flies through the air, directly towards his wife's crotch. There is the definitive sound of her panties ripping as the dick penetrated through the fabric, into it's designated spot.

The wife: "What the he....hey....ooooo...mmm...oh...my...god...!!!!" She is shaking on the couch.

The husband smiles and says, see you later honey, I'm going golfing with some pals from work!.

She is too busy biting her lips to respond.

Three hours pass.

Finally, decided she's been satiated, the wife tries to remove the dick from inside her. She pulls, tugs at it with all her might, but it won't budge. The thing remains inside her and refuses to move.

She panics.

She sees her husband's cellphone on the living room table. He forgot it. And he didn't tell her how to turn the thing off!

With the voodoo dick still thrusting inside her, the wife runs to the garage and starts the car. She has to get to a hospital. She's freaking out.

12 minutes later, she is pulled over by a traffic cop for doing nearly double the speed limit. He asks her why she felt she needed to risk her life and the life of others by speeding. He thinks she's on drugs, because she's not talking coherently.

Officer...oh...ahh...see...uh..my husband bought this....voodoo dick...for me and it won't come out!!..And oohhhhhh.......ahh...he didn't tell me how to turn it off! He's gone..golfing with his friends...and I can't...get a hold..of him.

The officer looks at her with a blank expression on her face.

He bursts out laughing.

"Hahahahaha, that's a new one! Never heard that one before! Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Entry #133 - Untitled

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -
NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -
REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -
USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink -
AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -
THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -
TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -
LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO **** DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles -
OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -
WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer -
DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos -
YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.
(The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap -
DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.
(And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) -
DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.
(Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -
PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife -
WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.
(******! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -
FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor -
NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.
(Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts -
WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.
(Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.
(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw -
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.
(What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume -
WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners:
SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine:
DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

Entry #132 - Hearing Problem

A man goes to his doctor and says,

“I don’t think my wife’s hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?”

The doctor replies,

“Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.”

The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says,

“What’s for dinner, honey?”

He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says,

“Honey, what’s for supper?”

She replies, “For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf b@stard”

Entry #131 - Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

Entry #130 - Untitled

There are three guys who have died.

They are outside the gate of Heaven. Unfortunately, lots of people had been dying recently, and they can’t let everyone in. St Peter decides that whichever of the three had suffered the worst and most tragic death would get in.

The first guy starts, “I came home from work, to my flat, and I couldn't find my wife. I then heard her in the shower. I’d been suspecting that she was having an affair, and I was sure he was still in the flat. So I went looking for him but couldn't find him anywhere. Finally I went out onto the balcony and I saw a man hanging over the edge for dear life. So I stamped on his fingers, that didn’t work I went back into the flat and came out with a knife. Finally he fell but he landed in a bush in the garden and was still moving. So I went back into the flat and come back out with my refrigerator which I dropped killing him instantly. I went back into the flat, and started feeling guilty. So I took my gun and shot myself.”

The second guys says, “Imagine this. You are washing windows at a local block of flats when you slip and fall. You think you are doomed, but then you catch yourself on a balcony.
This happened to me. However, this guy came out of his flat, and instead of helping me, he tried to make me fall. Finally he cut my fingers off and I fell.
I landed in a bush just in time to realise that the man was dropping a refrigerator on me. Then I died.”

“OK.” says the third man, “Imagine this. You are having an affair with a guy’s wife. The guy comes home…you hide in the refrigerator…”

Entry #129 - Untitled

MATHS TEACHER: 'Figures can't lie. For instance, if one man can build a house in 12 days, 12 men can build it in one day.'

PUZZLED PUPIL: 'Then 288 men can build it in one hour, 17,280 in one minute, and 1,036,809 in one second. And if one ship can cross the Atlantic in six days, six ships can cross it in one day. Yes Sir, figures sure can't lie!

Entry #128 - A not-so-long joke

Once there was two animals, the elephant and the camel.

One day, elephant ask the camel: "Why your ASS grow on your back?"

Then the camel felt insulted and replied: "Then why did your LanJiao grow on your face?

Entry #127 - A Love Poem?

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.



I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming



My love for you is like a rose
One that's dead and never grows



Those words I spoke were true and grand
But "I love U2"? I meant the BAND



Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.



You are my sun, my moon, my star
I wish to see you... from afar



To tell you what you mean to me
Would get me bleeped on live TV



Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face



I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother



I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face



I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
****, I'm good at telling lies!



My love for you will never die
Unless I meet another guy



If I were a dog and you were a flower
I'd lift my leg up and give you a shower



After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes



My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

Entry #126 - Things You Would Never Know Without Indian Movies

1. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to cleanse his wounds.

2. The hero cannot fall in love with the heroine (vice versa) unless they first perform a dance number in the rain.

3. Once applied, make-up is permanent, in rain or in any other situation.

4. Two lovers can be dancing in the field and out of nowhere, 100 people will appear from god-knows-where and join them in the dance.

5. In the final scene, the hero will discover that the bad guy he is up against is actually his brother and the maid who looked after him is his mother and the chief inspector is his father and the Judge is his uncle and so forth.

6. Key English words used in the movie (usually said out loud between sentences) are No Problem! My God! Get Out!, Shut-up!, Impossible!, Please forgive me!

7. They fall on the ground and roll and roll while singing and come out with different clothing.

8. They can run around the coconut trees, singing, battling eyes-lid, and throwing glances at each other and change clothes all at the same time without being out of breath.

Entry #125 - Things You Would Never Know Without Chinese Swordsman Movies

1. Being the hero's parents will always be unlucky and will usually be killed by enemies when the hero is young and the hero will become an orphan.

2. When a man is wounded and dying, he always manages to catch his breath and speak a few sentences to reveal the killer before dropping his head and being declared dead.

3. Skilled people are able to fly over roof tops, up trees and across distances without any sweat. But when traveling to towns and villages, they still have to walk or ride horses.

4. The heroes need not have to work for money, but will always have gold and silvers with them to pay for their dishes.

5. The heroes and villains will meet each other very often no matter how big the country is and no matter where they are.

6. Healing internal wounds in the body is as easy as sitting down cross-legged, palms on the knees and smoke coming out from the head.

7. They can keep a lot of stuff in their sleeves and waistband and never drop them (carrying especially lots of those gold and silver ingots)

Entry #124 - The Smart Lawyer

There was once an English lawyer, who was proud and considered himself to be extremely smart. One fine day, he was on a plane and found that a Chinese man was to be seated beside him. Being extremely sure that he is much smarter than the Chinese man, the English lawyer decides to play a game with him. He pricks the Chinese man awake and asked, "Hey, lets play a game. We both ask one another questions, if you are unable to give the correct answer, you must pay me $5. If I am unable to answer your question, I shall pay you $500." Wanting to go back to sleep, the Chinese man readily agreed.

"What charges will a man face when he is found to be proven guilty of ... ... ," asked the lawyer.

He was sure that the Chinese man will be unable to answer him and smirked when the Chinese man reluctantly took out $5 and gave it to him. Hoping to make more fun of him, the English lawyer pressured the Chinese man to ask him a question as well.

"What goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?" asked the Chinese man, and he went back to sleep. Stunned by the question, the lawyer desperately search his books, on his laptop and searched online, asked his friends, but to no avail. 5 hours later, he reluctantly woke the Chinese man and pass him $500.

Before the Chinese man could sleep, the lawyer asked eagerly, "So tell me, what goes up the mountain with 3 legs, 5 arms, and comes down with only 2 legs, 4 arms?

With that, the Chinese man took $5 from the bundle of notes he received, puts it in the lawyer's hand, and went back to sleep.