3 women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting
about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night
all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask
over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came
back home,he found me with the leather bodice, 12 Cm stilettos
and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love
you'...then we made love all night long...
The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos,
mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he
did not say anything.....but we had wild sex all night...
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my
mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super
stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens
the door and says:
'Hi Batman, what's for dinner?'
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Entry #27 - Untitled
Four men went golfing together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he’s so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, “My son is a stock broker and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?” The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay. I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio.”
Monday, March 29, 2010
Entry #26 - BMW Engineer
An engineer, of the BMW Corporation died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motor vehicles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven". The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St.Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God,
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God," hold on."God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
"Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God," hold on."God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Entry #25 - The Great Escape
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Entry #24 - Bubba
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Bubba with the two assholes.'
extra:
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a neekidd lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty badly. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
There's Bubba with the two assholes.'
extra:
Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a neekidd lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
Entry #23 - Hot Nun
One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says “Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you…”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surprise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.
The hippie gives his thanks and runs to the nearest costume shop.
Later that evening the hippie gets ready for his big night and drives down to the graveyard and sees the nun praying, on her knees. He says “Behold, I have heard your prayers and you shall be forgiven if you have sex with me!”
The nun agrees but asks if they can have anal sex in order to keep her virginity. The hippie agrees and once they are finished the hippie jumps back and pulls off his mask and says “Surprise, its me the Hippie!”
The nun jumps up and pulls off her mask and says “Surprise, its me the bus driver!”
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Entry #22 - Dear Mom...
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Mom". With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to "Mom". With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Mom,:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have
been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight
motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's
not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone.We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other
people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She
deserves it. Don't worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know
your grandchildren.
P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
Entry #21 - The pickle slicer
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his pe*is into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my pe*is into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
Entry #20 - The Blonde
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in.
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.
"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"
"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it...."
Friday, March 26, 2010
Entry #19 - Natural treatment
A man is concerned with the size of his penis, and feels extremely insecure. His friends tell him of a "natural doctor" who can fix these problems. He goes to this doctor and the doctor tells him,
"I have had many people with your condition, and i know of a solution. There is a frog in the middle of the forest near here, and every time you get him to say 'no' your penis will grow larger."
So the man goes into the forest and finds the frog and asks him
"Will you give me a kiss?"
To which the frog replies,
"No"
The man looks in his pants and sees his penis is larger than before, and so decides to repeat it.
"Will you give me a kiss?"
"No"
Will you give me a kiss?"
"NO"
Will you give me a kiss?"
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO"
The man goes back to the doctor and tells him of this new problem. The doctor tells him,
"There is a fix, but it wont work again, so make sure you get this one right, okay? Go into the town nearby and bump into people on the street, every time they apologise your penis will shrink a bit."
So the man goes into the town and bumps into someone.
"Sorry mate" comes the reply.
He bumps into another,
"Fuck, sorry about that" the other person says.
Then he bumps into an indian person, and the indian turns and says,
"A million apologies."
extra:
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
"I have had many people with your condition, and i know of a solution. There is a frog in the middle of the forest near here, and every time you get him to say 'no' your penis will grow larger."
So the man goes into the forest and finds the frog and asks him
"Will you give me a kiss?"
To which the frog replies,
"No"
The man looks in his pants and sees his penis is larger than before, and so decides to repeat it.
"Will you give me a kiss?"
"No"
Will you give me a kiss?"
"NO"
Will you give me a kiss?"
"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO"
The man goes back to the doctor and tells him of this new problem. The doctor tells him,
"There is a fix, but it wont work again, so make sure you get this one right, okay? Go into the town nearby and bump into people on the street, every time they apologise your penis will shrink a bit."
So the man goes into the town and bumps into someone.
"Sorry mate" comes the reply.
He bumps into another,
"Fuck, sorry about that" the other person says.
Then he bumps into an indian person, and the indian turns and says,
"A million apologies."
extra:
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.
Entry #18 - 10 Reasons
Top Ten Reasons Studying is Better Than Sex...
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."
4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Entry #17 - Untitled
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich, hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says, "Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced."
Entry #16 - The sensitive man
A woman meets a man at a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around the apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention it to him, and is actually quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking "ohh my gosh! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are laying there in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....
"Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf!"
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention it to him, and is actually quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking "ohh my gosh! Maybe this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?"
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are laying there in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says....
"Help yourself to any prize on the middle shelf!"
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Entry #15 - 3 shots of Tequila
A guy walks into a bar, which happens to be at the top of a 20 story building. He sits down next to this other guy, who has 3 shots of Tequila in front of him. They exchange hello's, and in a lil bit, the other guy takes a deep breath, slams the 3 shots, and jumps out the window of the bar.
The other guy can't believe it! "What the hell was that?" He goes back to his drinking.
About 5 minutes later, the jumper comes back in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Bartender, 3 more shots of Tequila."
The Bartender lines them up. After a few minutes, he takes a deep breath again, slams all 3 shots, and jumps out the window!
The other guy says, " Oh WTF is this?!?!"
He asks the bartender, but the bartender just says he's been doing that all day.
5 minutes later, the guy comes back up.
"Bartender, 3 more..."
Guy 2 says,
"WHOAWHOAWHOA, hold on a minute! What the hell are you doing???"
Guy 1 says, "Oh it's totally awesome. You take a deep breath, do 3 shots of Tequila to relax you and take your mind off the ground, jump out the window. The wind shear off the side of the building will keep you afloat, and you coast down to the ground, landing on your feet. Try it. It's awesome!!!"
so guy 2 says, "Oh I gotta try this. Bartender, 3 shots of Tequila."
Bartender lines them up.
Guy 2 is pretty nervous tho, and Guy 1 reassures him it's safe.
Finally guy 2 says, "ok, here goes"
Takes a deep breath,
does the 3 shots of Tequila,
jumps out the window,
and crashes on the ground to his death.
The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."
The other guy can't believe it! "What the hell was that?" He goes back to his drinking.
About 5 minutes later, the jumper comes back in, sits down at the bar, and says, "Bartender, 3 more shots of Tequila."
The Bartender lines them up. After a few minutes, he takes a deep breath again, slams all 3 shots, and jumps out the window!
The other guy says, " Oh WTF is this?!?!"
He asks the bartender, but the bartender just says he's been doing that all day.
5 minutes later, the guy comes back up.
"Bartender, 3 more..."
Guy 2 says,
"WHOAWHOAWHOA, hold on a minute! What the hell are you doing???"
Guy 1 says, "Oh it's totally awesome. You take a deep breath, do 3 shots of Tequila to relax you and take your mind off the ground, jump out the window. The wind shear off the side of the building will keep you afloat, and you coast down to the ground, landing on your feet. Try it. It's awesome!!!"
so guy 2 says, "Oh I gotta try this. Bartender, 3 shots of Tequila."
Bartender lines them up.
Guy 2 is pretty nervous tho, and Guy 1 reassures him it's safe.
Finally guy 2 says, "ok, here goes"
Takes a deep breath,
does the 3 shots of Tequila,
jumps out the window,
and crashes on the ground to his death.
The bartender says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."
Entry #14 - Little Billy
Little Billy's parents are at home on a Sunday afternoon. They have a function to go to, and the babysitter is supposed to arrive soon. Both of them are extremely horny, and want to have a quickie. But Billy is around, so the father decides to get creative.
Father: "Billy, I want you to do something for me. I need you to stand out on the balcony, and keep an eye on everything that's happening."
Billy: "Okay, pop!"
The parents sneak into the bedroom, rip off each others clothes, and start doing the dirty.
Billy: "Mrs. Enkelschnitz just let her dog poop on the neighbour's lawn and didn't pick it up, dad!!!"
Father: (panting) "That's great Billy!"
Billy: "Oh, and Mr. Smith, the store owner, he just parked his car beside a fire hydrant!"
Mother: "Keep up the good work Billy, what else do you see?"
Billy: "The Johnsons from across the street are having sex"
Mother and Father: "WHAT!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? How do you know THAT???"
Billy: "Because their kid is out on the balcony too."
Father: "Billy, I want you to do something for me. I need you to stand out on the balcony, and keep an eye on everything that's happening."
Billy: "Okay, pop!"
The parents sneak into the bedroom, rip off each others clothes, and start doing the dirty.
Billy: "Mrs. Enkelschnitz just let her dog poop on the neighbour's lawn and didn't pick it up, dad!!!"
Father: (panting) "That's great Billy!"
Billy: "Oh, and Mr. Smith, the store owner, he just parked his car beside a fire hydrant!"
Mother: "Keep up the good work Billy, what else do you see?"
Billy: "The Johnsons from across the street are having sex"
Mother and Father: "WHAT!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!? How do you know THAT???"
Billy: "Because their kid is out on the balcony too."
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Entry #13 - Untitled
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
extra:
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grandfather knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grandfather looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."
extra:
This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grandfather knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grandfather looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
Entry #12 - Tiger Woods
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you
doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole.'
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'
The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'
The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'
'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'
'Tiger Woods.'
'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.'
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
'What are you doing?' asks the wife.
The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second
time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. 'Now what are you
doing?' she asks.
The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get something to eat.'
'Tiger wouldn't do that.'
'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'
'He'd come back to bed and do it again.'
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'
'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn
hole.'
Monday, March 22, 2010
Entry #11 - Mouthwash
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like shit!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like shit!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
Entry #10 - Electric Train
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Entry #9 - Legs sticking up
Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Entry #8 - Ah Beng
Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.
Ah Beng complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
Ah Beng : 'I was watching TV news...'
Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng : The future tense is 'u will go to jail'
Ah Beng told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
Ah Beng : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
Entry #7 - JOHNNY 2
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
extra :
A lady went into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender went over and said, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
extra :
A lady went into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender went over and said, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"
Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."
And the bartender says, "Excuse me, I was talking to the goose."
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Entry #6 - Sunday school
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stuff it up your ass!''
The teacher fainted.
When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and stuff it up your ass!''
The teacher fainted.
Entry #5 - JOHNNY
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'JOHNNY, what's your
problem?'
JOHNNY answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took JOHNNY to the Principal's
office.
While JOHNNY waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. JOHNNY was brought
in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
JOHNNY: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
JOHNNY: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
JOHNNY can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'
The principal and JOHNNY both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?' JOHNNY, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
JOHNNY replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
JOHNNY: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
JOHNNY: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'
The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, JOHNNY replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
JOHNNY: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
JOHNNY: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
, "Put JOHNNY in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong."
one of her students. The teacher asked, 'JOHNNY, what's your
problem?'
JOHNNY answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister
is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I
should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took JOHNNY to the Principal's
office.
While JOHNNY waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was. The
principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back
to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. JOHNNY was brought
in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
JOHNNY: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
JOHNNY: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think
JOHNNY can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'
The principal and JOHNNY both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?' JOHNNY, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
JOHNNY replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
JOHNNY: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
JOHNNY: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?'
The Principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could
stop the answer, JOHNNY replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
JOHNNY: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
JOHNNY: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
, "Put JOHNNY in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven
questions wrong."
Entry #4 - The machine
A man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks."
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks."
That evening as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10. The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message:
Your tap water has lead. Get a filter.
Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.
Your daughter is on drugs. Get her in rehab.
Your wife is pregnant. It's not your baby. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off your tennis elbow will never get better.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Entry #3 - Pain transfer
A married couple having their first baby were invited to make use of a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains
to the Baby's father.
Both were happy to try it.
The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so
the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt
fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick
it up to 50 percent.
Still no reaction.
The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the
wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband and the doctor were ecstatic.
When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains
to the Baby's father.
Both were happy to try it.
The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing so
the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt
fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick
it up to 50 percent.
Still no reaction.
The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the
wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her
husband and the doctor were ecstatic.
When they got home, the gardener was lying dead at the gate.
Entry #2 - The escaped convict
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Entry #1 - Hearing problem
Will walks into a pub and sits down. He orders a pint and notices a brown paper bag on the counter.
Will asks the barkeep :" What's in the paper bag?"
The barkeep pulls the paper bag closer and pulls out a miniature piano with a miniature pianist and places them on the bar. The miniature pianist proceeds to belt out great classics.
Will, wide-eyed,exclaims:" That's amazing! Where did you get that?"
Barkeep: "See that magic lamp over there? There's a genie in there. He grants wishes."
Will asks: "Mind if I ask for a wish?"
Barkeep: "Sure, be my guest."
Will rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out and asks Will what he would like to wish for
Will: "I want a million bucks!"
Instantly the pub is filled with a million quacking ducks.
Will: "I think your genie is a little deaf"
Barkeep: "I know, I didn't ask him for a 10-inch pianist."
Will asks the barkeep :" What's in the paper bag?"
The barkeep pulls the paper bag closer and pulls out a miniature piano with a miniature pianist and places them on the bar. The miniature pianist proceeds to belt out great classics.
Will, wide-eyed,exclaims:" That's amazing! Where did you get that?"
Barkeep: "See that magic lamp over there? There's a genie in there. He grants wishes."
Will asks: "Mind if I ask for a wish?"
Barkeep: "Sure, be my guest."
Will rubs the lamp and sure enough, a genie pops out and asks Will what he would like to wish for
Will: "I want a million bucks!"
Instantly the pub is filled with a million quacking ducks.
Will: "I think your genie is a little deaf"
Barkeep: "I know, I didn't ask him for a 10-inch pianist."
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