The ambitious coach of a girls’ track team starts giving his squad steroids. Their performance soars, and they go on to win the county and state championships. The day before the nationals, Penelope, a 16-year-old hurdler, comes into his office.
“Coach,” she says, “I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.“
“Oh my God!” yells the coach. “Well, how far down does it go?”
“Down to my balls,” she replies, “and that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about…"
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Entry #88 - Potentially and Realistically
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between “potentially” and “realistically.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”
“Easy,” says his father. “First, ask Mom if she’d sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.”
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“Now go ask your sister the same question,” advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, “She said yes.”
“So, potentially, we’re sitting on two million dollars,” replies the father. “But, realistically, we’re living with a pair of whores.”
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Entry #87 - Gay
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
"Isn't it wonderful?" one fruitcake says to the other. "All these unhappy children and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now. But just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
Monday, May 24, 2010
Entry #86 - Don't laugh!
Don't laugh!" said the patient
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the patient replied.
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again.
Now...what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," the patient replied.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Entry #85 - The cop
A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Entry #84 - Untitled
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He checks his wallet for the necessary payment, then he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires, with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"Yep, I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
Replies the man, "Well, then, wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
Friday, May 21, 2010
Entry #83 - Good friend! :D
Two male buddies were walking through the woods when out of no where, a poisonous snake came and bit one of the men in the penis!
The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! "There has got to be another way" said the man and the doctor sighed "no I am sorry! "
The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in alot of pain! The man on the floor cried, "what did the doctor say?"
The friend said, "he said you're going to die."
The man collapsed to the ground while his friend ran to town to get help. The man arrived at a doctor's office and said help, help, my friend was bit by a snake in the penis. The doctor remarked that he couldn't get all his tools to the woods in time to save the friend, so he told him that he would have to suck the venom out of his friend! "There has got to be another way" said the man and the doctor sighed "no I am sorry! "
The man ran back to the woods and found his poor friends lying on the floor in alot of pain! The man on the floor cried, "what did the doctor say?"
The friend said, "he said you're going to die."
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